Happiness Talk Blog

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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Happiness and Dreams Come True When You Use a Vision Board

Vision Boards are collages also known as Dream Boards, Treasure Maps and Goal Sheets. They are tools that display pictures and affirmations of the goals and things you want or desire in life. They help you focus your energy on your specific goals and attract that same energy back to you. They require you to use your senses thinking about your goals, seeing the pictures which engage your subconscious mind to “go after” them, and remind you of actions to take to accomplish the goals.

Whether you want a new career, a healthy investment account, a vacation in Italy, a new Mercedes SL550, a trim and fit body weighing 130 pounds, a better relationship, or peace of mind, your vision board can help initiate the results.

Using a Vision Board requires you to take action!

1.  Dream and Decide Your Goals.
Dream, visualize, imagine, and think about your goals. What do you want your life to look like 1 year from now, or 5 or 10? Your vision board can be about one area of life or all. It can represent one goal or many. Decide what you want in one or several domains of life:

• Health

• Career or work

• Love relationship or marriage

• Family

• Friends

• Interests, hobbies, fun

• Spiritual life

• Learning and personal growth

• Financial

• Service

2.  Collect Pictures and Words.
After you have made decisions about the time period and goals, cut out pictures from magazines that represent the specific goals you want to accomplish. You can also find sites on line that will help you create a virtual vision board.

Be very careful to put the exact messages of what you want - the exact pictures that represent your goals. If you want a red car, do not put a picture of a blue car or paste over a blue car. I had a client who got the blue car! Just include a picture of the exact make, model and color of your desired car. If you want to have a certain amount of money, be sure to represent it in the full amount. Show a picture of a bank account or perhaps put real money on your board. Look for the kind of house you want, with the right kind of yard for you. Include a picture of the book you plan to write; show a picture of your happy family having summer vacation fun. Be sure to include a picture or photo of yourself in the collage. 

Be sure your desires fit with your values. Spend time thinking about this before you spontaneously add pictures. Represent your spiritual self in the Treasure Map so you are recognizing your desire to have and be what is in your best interest and the best interest of all others.

You also want to cut out words, phrases or make affirmations - positive statements about your dreams and goals. Include things like, I am a global speaker teaching the secrets of how to flourish in life, be happy and fulfilled. Perhaps simple words representing powerful concepts are for you: Empowered, Millionaire, Earning a seven-figure income, Love and peace at home, Olympic Gold, Ph.D. (after your name), Winner, The Best, Successful children, No more hunger, etc.
Paste your pictures and words on poster paper, construction paper, display boards, presentation boards or something you might put inside a frame. If you are doing a themed vision board - on your wedding, promotion, or losing weight - you might use a smaller size. If you are showing your goals for 5 years, you will want a substantial size to display your major goals. Some people have been very creative and did decoupage on a chest, table or trunk to show their dreams and goals.

3.  Display Your Vision Board and Use It Daily.
Put your vision board in a prominent place to see it every day. Some people like to put it in the bathroom to look at while getting ready in the beginning of their day. Others on the kitchen table to look at while having coffee. Others hang it in the family room. Still others take it to the office and some make it the wallpaper on their computer and phone.

• Look at it for about 5 minutes at least twice a day.

• Think about the scenes and results.

• See yourself in the results.

• Feel the emotions of your results. Feel yourself with the top down in your new convertible. Feel the joy of writing a check to your favorite charity. Feel the excitement getting on the cruise ship.

• Experience the results of your goals and stay positive.

4.  Share Your Dreams and Goals with Others.
Get social support by sharing your dreams and goals with family, friends, and colleagues. Let them see your vision board and talk about it with them. You might even help them do one of their own. If you really want to go for it in a BIG way, create a mastermind group to help all of you accomplish your goals. I’ve been in one for 9 years and we’ve manifested books, major consulting contracts, public speaking gigs, lots of money, grandchildren, vacations, second homes, relationships, retirement, meaning, and much success. By sharing your goals you will get direct and indirect support from those around you.

Caution: DO NOT let people try to talk you out of it or tell you it’s too big a dream. If they are toxic people, don’t bother to share with them. But do talk with all the others in your life who want you to be the best you can be.

5. Take Daily Actions to Bring Your Vision Board to Life.
Use your vision board to remind you of what you want. Be sure you have actions in each day that are steps towards making the pictures manifest in your life. Write steps in your daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly, To Do Lists. When I wanted to add a different service to my business, I simply put it on new business cards and in two weeks I received 4 requests, all leading to paid gigs - and NONE of the people had even seen my new business cards. But the big eye in the sky did…

Declare your intentions, tell others about them, take action, and watch them manifest.

6. Celebrate Your Successes.
Savor your progress and small successes. Savor in advance, during the process and after the accomplishment. 

Celebrate the accomplishments of your goals. Some people need to celebrate the process and not the completion. Invite some friends and reward yourself with the celebration and well-deserved regard. 

You can use the vision board right along with your 5 Year Plan. (If you don’t have one, turn the pictures into outcome goals, benchmark steps backwards and write your next steps.) Today, begin to make your dreams a reality.

Copyright 1987, 2002, 2010, 2011 D’Arcy Vanderpool
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEBSITE? You are welcomed to share this article. When you do, please include this entire blurb with it: “Are you a talented entrepreneur who is ready to flourish and take yourself and your business to a new level? If you would like to learn how happiness can produce better results in your personal and professional life, you have come to the right place. It’s time to leave a good life and business and, instead, create a personal life and business services that will allow more happiness and fulfillment in positivity, time, wealth and the lifestyle you deserve. I invite you to visit my website at http://www.DrHappiness.com where you will find resources and enrollment for our current coaching, trainings and retreats.”

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 04/12 at 10:42 PM
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Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

This is the time of year we all celebrate. We have loving times with family and friends, sometimes traveling many miles to bask in and share the love. It’s the time to play games, set the card table up for a bigger (or smaller) puzzle than last year. Its time to get the cards out for a few games of hand and foot. And the video games and Wii. Get out the sleds, snow shoes, snow boards, skis and rev up the snow mobiles.

We enjoy the Nutcracker, the beautiful voices of carolers, the Christmas bells, gorgeous decorations, and parties of the season. We sing song, bake Grandma’s favorite goodies, stuff the turkey, rub the prime rib, enjoy the Ethel M’s and Bisinger’s after the Christmas pudding and pies. Stollen for breakfast, leftover ham sandwiches for lunch and too many appetizers…

Angels, nativity scenes, the gift of God’s Son, and prayer add special feelings of the holidays. But the glee of children stirs the deepest joy in all of us. The days of play, the laughter shared by all, the dogs in their bows, the nuts and cider, and peppermint hot chocolate brings the savoring of past Christmases and ones to come.

Experience the joy, feel the peace, share the love and take these into the next year with the best flourishing of your souls.

Merry Christmas,

D’Arcy,
Bentley and Beau

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 12/25 at 01:26 PM
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Monday, December 06, 2010

Embrace the Life you Have

Clearly you are living right now where your decisions and life circumstances have taken you. If you want life to be easy, your job is to accept this and blossom. That doesn’t mean you have to just stay where you are forever. It does mean that you have the opportunity to be the best you can be where you are right now. When you do that, things will change and evolve.

You may be learning and preparing for something else that requires you to be where you are now. So you are learning something now that will help you in the future. Maybe you are where you are to help someone else. By staying there you may help another and, of course, that comes right back to you. There is a reason for you to be your best right now and blossom with the life you have.

While you are in your blossoming life, take the high road. Be kind and thoughtful. Stay out of the drama and gossip and be the best you can – blossom with the type of person you are – be your best right now in all areas of life.

Enjoy your job. Find new ways to be creative, to be giving or to learn something new in your job. If you have coworkers you don’t seem to have much in common with, try being curious and getting to know their strengths. If you are unhappy in your marriage, find positive things on which to focus. Think about some good memories or something truly wonderful and special about your spouse

Bloom within the challenge or situation. You might find by accepting it and making yourself happy within the situation, you might really like it. It is never about changing the other person – boss, co-worker, spouse – it is always about you changing. . The main thing to put your attention on is yourself. Whether you have relationship, job, financial, or friendship issues and dislikes, find the goodness in these areas and others. Make yourself focus on positivity and gratitude.

Blossom and be the best you can be. Embrace the life you now have and see where it leads you. Probably to something even better that will allow you to bloom even bigger and brighter.

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 12/06 at 11:27 AM
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Monday, October 11, 2010

Choose Happiness and Get a Life You Love!

You Come First

Make yourself happy first, then it’s fulfilling to give to others. Stop giving up yourself for the sake of your spouse, family or career. There is plenty of love to go around. You come first, then others.

Men seem to learn this – they focus on their career and their recreational interests. Moreover, they often seem selfish. Women seem to focus on everyone else’s needs and interests while managing their career and their family. Women must learn to put their needs and desires first while expecting their husbands to give a little more to the family and household. If I could but both of the sexes in a blender, I think we would be in good shape on this issue.

If you love yourself first, then you have the desire and energy to love others. There is no need to burn yourself out loving and taking care of others. Stop it! Be healthily selfish. Take care of your needs and then the others – your loved one, your kids, and your friends. Flight attendants tell us to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first, then on our children. There might not be a you to love others if you do not love yourself first.

Lily Lost Herself in her Taking Care of Family

Women in their 20’s 30’s 40’s 50’s and even older are learning to put themselves number one. Lily is a 45-year-old wife and mother who finally could speak up and say she was depressed and unhappy. On a Tahitian vacation, she woke up in her marriage of 20 years, unable to find herself. She knew she had been unhappy for about 5 years but she didn’t realize she had lost herself in her family. She felt fortunate to be able to quit her highly paid administrative job and stay home to raise their three children. Oliver was a happy man and was surprised to hear about her misery. Lily had hidden it from him and not talked about it, hoping the denial might make it disappear and the lovely vacations would bring back the long dying spark of chemistry with Oliver. By the time I saw them, she, like thousands of other wives, was blaming her spouse and seriously considering divorce.

The Answer Lies Within, Not in Divorce

The answer is usually not divorce. The answer lies within. Lily only had to create her own happiness. She needed to find the part of her that was not being nourished and spend time fulfilling those needs, wants and desires. She joined the board of a local women’s club doing charity work and using her leadership skills. She also joined a book club to make friends with other professional women with whom she could have an intellectual conversation. Having been a jogger in her twenties, she also decided to join a running club and train for a marathon. Lily created the parts of her life that were missing and in the process, her marriage improved. Oliver was supportive of her activities, wishing only for her happiness, willing to do whatever he could. Usually your needs will fit with your spouse’s. Focus on yourself and choose happiness and well-being.

Recreating Yourself

Lots of the buzz these days is about women after 50 finding themselves and everyone recreating themselves for the “new” retirement. I remember turning 50 and saying to myself – oh, now I can be who I really am and only do what I want to do.  I say, STOP! That is excessively late. This is what you are supposed to do as an adult. When we are in our twenties we are exploring the world of adulthood, getting educated, deciding on a career, dating, deciding on a spouse, where we live, what we believe in, what we defend. In our thirties, we are really honing our skills and polishing our talents. Certainly, by this time we need to be focusing on what makes me tick. What do I need to satisfy and fulfill me in ways of love, children, family, friends, interests, recreation, spirituality, intellectual pursuits, emotional satisfaction, financial security, service and helping others, fun and pleasure.

What You Can Create When You Don’t Address Your Needs

When you put others constantly first at the expense of yourself, you can create depression, anxiety, anger, victimization of yourself, divorce and often debilitating illnesses. You could choose healthy self-love and happiness. Every week for over 35 years, I have sat across from men and women in emotional pain from not paying attention to their own needs, wants and desires. I have probably told an average of 15 to 20 people a week to love yourself first and get a life! The life YOU want! Those who listen and get it go out and create a life for themselves – one that addresses their individual needs and desires as well as their family’s. In three months, you can have your cake and be eating it too. Just don’t forget to be kind to the ones you are closest to while you are focusing on your desires, purpose, engagement, and meaning. Go for your joy and happiness while balancing your needs for family and relationship. When you are happy and your life is flourishing, you will experience the joy of loving yourself and helping others.

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 10/11 at 08:11 AM
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving is a Special Holiday

We set this day aside to be with family and friends, eat a lot of food, and enjoy a day or two or more relating, shopping, decorating, playing games, etc. It’s a time for several days of leisure. The main focus is to share a great meal and have wonderfully caring conversations.
I’m grateful the Pilgrims and nearby Indians had a harvest and successful hunt. I’m grateful we celebrate this event on a Thursday every year. I love that it opens the season of love.
Thanksgiving is a time to drop the old heavy hurts and unsuspecting slights by family members. 
Repair some of the “regrettable events” by focusing on the positive. Dr. John Gottman, marital stability and relationship analysis expert says,
  “Respect, gratitude, affection, friendship, and noticing what’s going right is a ‘habit of mind’ which creates a culture of appreciation.”
  “Scan for things which go right, notice them more. This leads to more searching for positive things, to positive feedback, and therefore positive actions.”
It truly is a time to focus on the positive things about family members and what they have done for you. The times they helped you move, the times they baby sat, the times they fed you and your friends, the times they gave you a place to stay or live for awhile. Remember all the late night family stories? The eventful family holidays and gatherings? Times of celebrations—baptisms, confirmations, showers, weddings, funerals? All the cards and gifts they gave? The hugs and kisses? The tons and tons of love they have given throughout the years? Through the years of togetherness and absence, they thought about you. They called. And came to visit. They were there during your hospitalizations and surgeries and they stood by you through difficult times. And if you didn’t tell them about the challenges, they were praying anyway for your life of success and well being. Yes, its great to have the family you love and who loves you. Thanksgiving is a time to let them know how much you are grateful they are in your life.
I hope as you are sitting around the Thanksgiving table, you all take the opportunity to express the deepest gratitude for what each person has given you. Tell them how they have touched the most precious part of you. Be sure also to share the light moments of shared secrets, mistakes, and life flubs.
I love you Sis for ALWAYS being there for me, for being with Mom through so many years while I lived so far away, for you and Tim opening your hearts and home helping to take care of Dad those last precious months, for the childhood innocence and fun, sharing friends and schools, and stories into the night. Thanks for all the glorious venting of therapist bashing we shared, shopping trips, apple martinis, long phone calls and your smiling face and tough protection when I really needed to feel your love. I’m eternally appreciative for all the many ways you show your love. Thanks for being my “Sis”, Dorene. You are a most precious being God has given to me.
Your turn—make a phone call, write a card, prepare a little “Thank you” for your dinner or after-dinner conversation with family and friends. Create a meaningful experience with those you love.

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 11/25 at 02:02 PM
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Monday, June 15, 2009

When You Want to Improve Your Life, Where do You Start?

When you want to improve your life, where do you start? How do you go about it? Many clients have come to my office wanting to be out of the pain they are in and desiring to experience more happiness. They arrive with many different presenting problems and we always look at the superficial solutions to those symptoms. But there is always something underneath that we can discover which dictates their sabotage or repeated failures in life. It’s usually about their excuses. So, whether they come in for help with depression, anxiety, trauma or a relationship, we look at the underlying causes, the excuses, and the patterns that began in childhood which do not work so well in adulthood. So often we learn beliefs and behaviors when we are two, three, four or five years old that do not work quite the same when we are 30 or 40. This is the stuff of therapy.

For those of you who are reading this who are not in therapy and who do not wish at this time to begin such an adventure, I’d like to offer you some things which you can do on your own which will give you insight into your core beliefs and help you clear unfinished business of childhood and early adulthood. I also want to help you stop your excuses and start being successful in the areas you have avoided. I also want to help you forgive yourself and others and get onto the business of loving – loving yourself and loving others.

If you are in therapy, this will help you in working with your therapist. It may give you an outline for self-help work or you may pick and choose what you and your therapist think will help you with your particular issues and patterns. If you are in coaching, it will also help you to work with your coach on what you do to excuse and sabotage your success.

Where to start?

What makes you mad? What can’t you stand? What drains you or zaps your energy? What causes you pain? What are your guilty about? What would you like to change in your life? These questions about negative influences in your life or negative reactions should shed some light on where you can begin. Start journaling about these questions. You might separate them into items or issues or people or situations. When you are writing about them, just let your thoughts flow and your feelings get expressed. Be sure to indicate what happened, who did what (including yourself), who had less than respectable behavior? What did you do that was a mistake or wrong in some way? What did others do that was a mistake or wrong in your opinion? How did you feel or how were you affected by what happened? How do you think the other people involved may have felt? What good came from this? What good could come from this if you determined that it would? What action do you have to take to compost this experience and make it a learning experience in your life rather than a drain because of negative emotions? How will you take this action? When will you do it? Who will know about it? Who can give you recognition or praise about correcting this lesson in life?

Whenever you have a negative experience or something that has affected you in a negative way, try to identify your errors, the others’ errors and what you can do to correct it. Also identify the lesson in it for you. Find a way to become grateful for the experience and feel and express your gratitude. It might take you a couple months to get over the anger or hurt. It is important to get over it. It’s important for you to move past this place to a place of acceptance, understanding and even gratitude for having an opportunity to learn and grow.

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 06/15 at 12:58 PM
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Friday, June 12, 2009

Gratitude Is The Easy Answer to Happiness and Well Being

Expressing our gratitude is an activity that increases our happiness levels by over 25%; gives us higher levels of positive emotions, life satisfaction, vitality, optimism and lower levels of depression and stress; gives us better sleep quality and more energy; and it is one of the more effective ways of coping with disease, disability and even death. People who keep gratitude lists make progress toward completing important individual goals such as academic, interpersonal and health-based, according to research by Robert Emmons.

Keep a Gratitude Journal

Establish a daily habit of recalling and writing ordinary events that happened to you today, the valuable people in your life and what they contribute to you. Spend the day looking for people, incidents, events, and qualities that you enjoy and that support your life. Look for the gifts, grace, benefits and good things in your life.     

    1. Think and recall throughout the day the good things happening…
    2. Write at least three things of gratitude toward the end of the day.

Share Gratitude with your Family

    1. Have your family share at dinner three things that happened to each of you that were good or things for which you are grateful
    2. Have our children recall and speak gratitude when going to bed
    3. Share gratitude blessings with your spouse at the end of the day
    4. Make Thanksgiving a holiday of super big thanks all around the table

Write letters of gratitude

    1. Write thank you notes for gifts, events and special thoughtful acts
    2. Write letters of gratitude to people who have improved or touched your life – teachers, friends, family members, old friends, former spouses, etc.
    3. Write birthday letters sharing about the person’s qualities and good acts

Think of ways you can see the challenges of life as a gift and then how you can express your gratitude.

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 06/12 at 07:57 AM
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Thursday, June 11, 2009

Forgiveness Is Urgent

It is important to forgive yourself the mistakes you have made and the things you have done that have been most hurtful to others. By writing them you give yourself the gift of making your load lighter as you attempt to experience more happiness.

It is a good thing to forgive people who have done things that have been hurtful to you. It allows you to move on past that incident or wrong and be in present time without bitterness or anger in your heart. Forgiveness is for you, not the other person.

This is a simple exercise. Either take out your journal or sit at your computer and start writing:
1. These are things I have thought, said or done for which I want forgiveness or for which I want to forgive myself.
2. These are things others have said or done that I want to forgive, clearing me of all negative feelings.

After writing the items, say aloud you forgive yourself and you forgive others. Ask for forgiveness and imagine being your perfect spiritual or higher self, understanding, accepting and loving yourself. Imagine your parents doing the same. And sense the forgiveness of God or the creative force of the universe. Then again say aloud your forgive yourself and you forgive others who harmed you.

Sometimes it is important to share these things with your clergy, a therapist or a trusted friend. Receiving acceptance and feeling the caring or love of another makes it easier to move into forgiveness and let go of the negative feelings.

Life gets better and well being is strengthened when you regularly clear and forgive these actions of yours and others. Feeling gratitude after forgiveness helps solidify the release of negative emotions.

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 06/11 at 06:15 AM
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Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Compliments

Expressing positive things about another person is like giving them a gift. It says you recognize something special, unique or even just ordinary about them. By bringing it to their attention you are encouraging them to continue doing or being that positive way.

It is also important to tell them how it affects you. An example could go like this: “You called to tell me what you would like to do this evening. You are sensitive to my need to plan a little in advance and I appreciate that you are considering my preferences.”

Please give 3 compliments a day to anyone with whom you are living or spending a lot of time (spouse, children, co-workers, or friends).

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 06/09 at 10:05 AM
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Saturday, June 06, 2009

Acts of kindness

Doing an act of kindness is one of the best things you can do for yourself and others. When you do something thoughtful or nice for another, the regard comes back to you in multiples. You help make a better world when you pick up trash that blows around your neighborhood. Your vacationing neighbor appreciates putting the newspapers and trash can out of site. The elderly woman at the doctor’s office is thankful for your holding the door and the elevator.

Your magnitude of loving and sense of happiness can grow exponentially if you do some acts of kindness as secrets. The secret act of giving can be enormously fun and fulfilling. 

During the holidays we sometimes play “Secret Santa” to someone in the office and leave them small gifts like a special coffee from Starbucks or perform a small task without them knowing who is doing it. Why not be a Secret Pal all year long? I know a creative and big-hearted woman who secretly goes to a friend’s home and decorates the outside of it for every major holiday. She does it in the middle of the night so her friend never knows who the Secret Decorator is.

Take this challenge: do one act of kindness each work day this week, Monday through Friday.

If you are wanting to try another challenge, here it is: Select three things to do in the next month that are secrets from the receiver. Be a “Secret Pal” and do something for three different people where they cannot discover who you are. Good luck! Please share your stories with us if you’d like. We’d love to hear from you!

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 06/06 at 04:42 PM
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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Take Vacation Time

I’m being very nice to myself and going on vacation. If you need help doing this for yourself, call me at 702-242-4222 and leave a message. Please note I will not return the call until I am back. Enjoy life!

Love,
D’Arcy

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 05/12 at 10:35 AM
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Monday, May 11, 2009

Be Loving to Make your Life Happier and More Satisfying

Today I have been reading and reflecting on love. In thinking about love, I looked at our purpose in life, how to fulfill it, and how to be happy. That led me to this:  Love is the answer to life. It is the only way to live. And its the only thing we have to do…

When I was ordained as a minister my spiritual teacher gave me a blessing that said to teach love. I have been wondering about the focus of my dissertation and the book I have been told and prompted to write for quite some time. I feel about ready to do so. It seems I should have put it all together, but, you know how sometimes it is difficult to see the forest for the trees? Well, I got lost in all the positive psychology research – necessary for a dissertation. I was advised by several advisers to write my own stuff. My way of doing things had to be in there. So, today it is coming together better than ever.

Learning and studying The Need for Positive Regard: A Contribution to Client - Centered Theory and understanding Unconditional Positive Regard from the man who coined the term was what my Masters studies were all about. And my life at that time was in large part learning about how to love, individuating, maturing, being in emotional control, understanding my core beliefs, being autonomous, and becoming a better person. I was mentored by a master who gave me the opportunities to develop my talent in helping others heal their conditional love and learn to love unconditionally in their personal and business lives.

The answers about how to have a better life and how to feel happier all comes from the life and teachings of Christ. I doubt that if the University of Chicago would have known, they probably would not have granted the first theoretical dissertation, in psychology and under Carl Rogers, for a theory that explained Christ’s life and ministry in theoretical constructs as the way to understanding how a human develops psychologically. But they did. Christ is the example: love unconditionally and you are the Christ consciousness we all have within us. We can do as many miracles and more. We simply have to put into practice loving attitudes and actions.

I studied Christ in Sunday school, in MYF, in college. My mother took me to attend all types of religious services as we learned about them together. Later my work took me to the depths of schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder, alcohol and substance abuse, teen delinquency, psychopathology and sexual perpretration. I continued my quest. I studied Buddhism and A Course in Miracles, meditated, prayed, and read. Then I studied the ways of the saints and from all faiths, their religious experiences. I went on to study possession and exorcism. These were followed by spiritual practices and I became an ordained minister. With my father’s joy and my teacher’s ministerial blessing I began to “officially” teach love.

I added to my mission working with thousands of couples who were trying to love and struggling. I helped parents learning to deal with power while loving their teens. And I have worked with the worried wealthy and executives from around the world trying to create heart-oriented organizations and communities.  We’ve been adding to their lessons on how to love in all relationships, partnerships and marriages, families, their work, their businesses, their communities. From governors, statesmen and CEOs to the homeless, I have been learning about love as I have helped myself and so many others. We have all improved our lives, careers, organizations, families, primary relationships, and all our loves.

We all live in our relationships. And it is in these relationships that we all grow and become the best people we can. This is our purpose and our job! When we send our children off to school, we tell them their job is to learn: to go to school and listen, do their homework, study, and get the best grades they are capable of getting. As time goes on we add to their curriculum to become involved with activities of their choice and we advise them on sports, music, service, clubs and talents. We tell them to become good friends and we help them learn about friendships as they socialize through all of their schooling. In our places of worship we teach our children about various moral values. We teach them by our own modeling throughout our lives and in vivo about it until we stop teaching them.

How much of all this teaching is about love? A lot of it is, although we may not label the class as Love 101. None of us attends a class called Love.

I’d like to pull together what I have figured out how to love and use love to create your happiness and well being. Once we have taken care of our basic needs of shelter, food, water and sex, we set about to fulfill our higher level needs. We pursue relationships and nurture those we like and love, we establish ourselves in engaging work, we master some interests, and bring meaning into our lives by the service we provide to others. The essence of our pursuits is to create more happiness and well being through pleasure, engagement, meaning, and relationships. So it is that we spend our lifetime in the pursuit of happiness. If we love all the people and esoteric things with which we have relationships, we increase our happiness and improve our well being. You can make yourself happier and the world better. It is our journey and our destiny.

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 05/11 at 02:16 PM
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Friday, May 08, 2009

Women Drive Their Beloved Men Away

I have been listening to women’s complaints about men for 35 years, not counting the 30 years before I did it as a career.  What have I learned from it? Oh, my, so very much! Let’s start with what men need. Let’s add a little about what leads to an affair. Then we’ll top it off with how to get what you want from your man. This is for the women in my office this week with their many complaints.  It’s also for the women with the same or similar complaints last month, last year, the last decade, the last century.

92% of men who cheat on their wives do so because they feel disconnected. Listen ladies. We tend to think of them as not knowing much about connection and that we are the experts. However, men feel undervalued and underappreciated. If you want his attention, his love, his fidelity, try acknowledging and praising what he does and who he is.

Remember in the beginning of your relationship how you saw all his wonderful qualities? And how simple it was to tell him about the good things you saw in him? Remember all the great praises about him you told your girlfriends? And your mother? You couldn’t see the red flags or anything wrong with him if you had your rose colored glasses off. But now, after several years of kids and chores, and busy lives, and forgotten events, and little help at home, and hurtful words, and yelling, and continuously escalating fights, and nights of headaches and exhaustion, ad nauseam, you can hardly think of the good things about him. You see and stay focused on his errors, mistakes, unkindness, bad habits, childhood issues not resolved, character flaws, the countless things only a wife knows. You are an expert at everything wrong with him.

Your man needs to win! You are making him feel like he’s losing in everything, no matter what he does. You know he has to win at work, at golf, at tennis, betting on his football teams, watching his teams on TV, whooping it up for his daughter’s soccer team and his son’s basketball team, his bridge game, being better than his partner, knowing more about movie stars than anyone at the party, making the world’s best martini, beating you home when you travel in two cars down different streets (sometimes they let us win), having his yard better than the neighbor’s, and on and on. He wants to win at everything. 

What are you doing to help him feel he is winning at relationship? Or marriage? Or love? Or intimacy? Or sex? Or your happiness? Or as your hero? Your lover? Fatherhood? Are you helping him feel a winner with his aging parents? Or his warring sibling? Are you appreciating that he does, indeed, make the world’s best martini? And that he makes it for you when he knows you have had a very difficult day at work? Do you notice that he stops to pick up dinner when he knows you have been driving taxi for 4 hours? Or that he always makes the coffee before he goes to bed so it is there in the morning? How about the days he has your coffee (white chocolate mocha, nonfat, no whipped) sitting on the counter when you get up? Better yet, the times he delivers it to you in bed? Do you remember how he woke you up that first New Year’s morning? Are you remembering the little things he does that add love, laughter and meaning to your life?

It is extremely important to appreciate your man about the little and the humongous things he is doing. Notice them, praise him, and thank him, And do it all the time. After centuries, our guys still go out and slay the modern day dragons. They drive long hours on the freeway. They get up early. They stay late. They work on weekends. They do side jobs. They do whatever it takes to support us and our families. (We might do the same thing, but this is what is wired in for them.) They carry the responsibility for financial support from the time they say, “I do” until their last breath. And even then, they see to it that we are all taken care of in the best way they can do it when they are gone. There are many details that go into their fulfilling this responsibility. We’ll look another time at some of those. Remember they are doing it for us. They might enjoy their work and love their career, but they are also doing it for us. When he brings home the toughest dragon, the largest buffalo, the biggest fish, and the best bonus, we need to declare him a winner and our very own personal hero. He’s the best! And we appreciate him! Celebrate his win!

Not only does your man carry the financial support banner, he also is trying to figure out how to support you emotionally. Now he’s into gathering berries and he doesn’t have much of a clue. We have to teach him the expertise that is wired into us. He’s not in first grade and he doesn’t have his doctoral. He walks on eggshells when he knows you are touchy, sensitive, out of sorts. He’s trying to figure out what will please you. He tries everything and you are still angry. You make a curt comment, roll your eyes, and breathe with disgust. Sometimes you blast him from out of nowhere. You are declaring him the loser, loser, loser. Loser at his own marriage. I’m not saying he doesn’t have some things to learn. But you aren’t going to get him to learn through your negativity, irritation, and declarations of his stupidity and failure.

Praise, praise, praise your man. You can’t give him too much, as long as it is genuine. You need to become an expert at saying and showing your appreciation. Do all that you can to keep him connected to you. Don’t push him away with the negatives. Pull him toward you with the positives. If you want him to be loving and kind, to stop a lot of his bad habits, to stop his anger, to pay attention to you, to not wander off with someone else who pays attention to him, to rekindle the old feelings you had before marriage, be kind to him and make him feel appreciated and valued – as a man and as your beloved.

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 05/08 at 12:56 PM
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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Relationship Tip # 3 - Be Complimentary

When couples start in coaching or therapy with me I always give them the same assignments: be kind, put your stories in the closet and think/act positive, and be complimentary. We have you thinking positively now. So your next step is to say these things aloud. I want you to think about the good things about your partner. Their good qualities. Their kind and loving behaviors, the cute and charming things about their personality. Then, tell them how wonderful they are!

Give your partner 3 compliments a day.  Some couples can only start with one. But push yourself to do 3. This is what you want to put your energy into so that this becomes a normal and easy part of your day. You should be able to do 10 without thinking! When you do that, you are probably safe from divorce court.

You might need to look at the days’ activities as a way to notice your partner’s behaviors worth complimenting. Normal things like, “Thank you for making coffee for me this morning.” Or perhaps, “It was very nice of you to volunteer to pick up the kids today.” Or, “The way you handled the situation with the phone company was terrific. I appreciated that I didn’t have to do it and you did it with so much assertiveness. You straightened out the situation quickly and I felt a lot of respect for how you did it.”

In addition to the daily activity, look at the character traits, personality, interests, and actions that demonstrate values, social awareness, intelligence, talents, gifts, and unique qualities that make the person who they genuinely are. There is no limit to the positives you can see about this person if you open your mind and focus on the positives. You will feel more loving and more loved.

All you have to do is be complimentary. Think and say these beautiful things to your partner. You’ll be surprised how the love will flow between you if you make this a lifelong process…

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 04/22 at 09:08 AM
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Monday, April 20, 2009

Relationship Tips # 1 – Be Kind

There are a number of things you can do to get your relationship on the right track, or make an adjustment to improve the intimacy in your relationship. Every time I get a new couple in therapy I give them the same assignments. This week I will go through each of those assignments here. The couples’ stories are always different, but the underlying issues about commitment, intimacy and passion are usually similar. 

To get to those issues we start with the couple sharing the stories of their hurt and anger. If you want, you could write yours. It will help get it out of your mind. It’s on the paper for now. If you are going to see a Marriage and Family Therapist, take the paper with you. Otherwise, just put it away.

When a couple is in trouble, they are usually focused on what is wrong with the other person. Of course, it helps for you to focus on what is wrong with you – because that is all you can change. However, that is not my topic today. But it is related. I want you to focus on being kind.

Be kind! That is the first assignment. It is so simple, but not always easy to do. You have to set aside your hurt and anger. More about that tomorrow. So, no focus on you being wronged. No focus on you being right. No focus on the other person being “bad.” No focus on the other’s mistakes or issues. Focus on you thinking and acting in a kind way.

Think about what the other has done that has been wonderful. Think about their generosity. The ways they have helped you. The thoughtful things they have done for you. Think about how loving the beginning of the relationship was. Think about the first things you told your best friend about him or her.

Clean up your own behavior! Be nice. Say something kind. Stop the snide, hurtful remarks. Stop the fighting. Stop the cold war. Don’t disagree. Be quiet! Stop, think something nice and say or do something kind. This is the person you claim to love. Well, act on that! You won’t get what you want by being nasty. You might get what you want by being kind.

Most of us want to be loved. You get love by being kind to others. Try it now. This week be kind and only kind.

Posted by D'Arcy Vanderpool on 04/20 at 10:54 AM
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