Relationship Tip #2 - Focus on the Positive

In working with couples new in therapy, I ask them in the first week to be kind and to not talk about what is wrong. They have already proven they cannot talk about it and get resolution, or they wouldn’t be in my office. So when you are not having success in getting resolution to your problems, please put your stories in the closet. I am not suggesting this for always. Just for the time being until you learn some relationship strategies and communications skills. When you know the skills, you can bring the stuff out of the closet and clean it up.

The more you think about what the other has done wrong, the more you are moving toward divorce court. Research tells us that couples who have more positive interactions stay together longer and are happier. If you don’t have positive interactions throughout your communications, you don’t have enough glue to stay together.

Focus on the positive. This is the second assignment I give to new couples in therapy. If you are thinking about the positive, saying it and acting on it, you will start to see more of it. You will be more aware. When you are feeling the positive regard transactions, you will feel loved. This means you must stop thinking about the things wrong. You must stop the internal dialogue of what is wrong. You need to stop the critical thinking. You have to stop saying the negatives. Put them in the closet and leave them there.

As much as you have to stop thinking, saying and feeling the negative, you must think, say and feel the positive. Start remembering all the good things about your partner. What are their superior qualities that set them apart, that made you want to be together? What are the cute, charming things the other does? What are some of the more important things you have shared together? What have you learned from each other? How have you helped each other? What are the deeper gifts you have given to each other? By being together, what have you gained?

This exercise is about you controlling your own mind. Don’t let your mind go to the negative thoughts. Push your mind to think about the positive qualities and behaviors of the other. When you find your mind on the negative, Stop! It is as simple as getting out of one chair and sitting in another. Get up and move! Do that with your mind. Get out of the negative chair and go sit in the positive chair. You decide if you want to be in heaven or hell. Get up and move. Change the focus. No one else can determine where you allow your mind to hang out. You are the only one who can decide to think about something nice, and that makes you feel good.

Institute for Happiness Studies
and
Center for Relationship Happiness

8440 W. Lake Mead Blvd., Suite 206
Las Vegas, Nevada 89128-7648
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